Three weeks and one day. That's how long it took me to have a day that I didn't wake up crying. Three weeks of it taking 4+ hours to fall asleep with night time anxiety and flashbacks preventing me from being able to relax.
Then I had my first good night of sleep in over a month. It was over a month because the labor started two days before I actually gave birth and then after I had Makenna I was pumping every 2-3 hours. So, I hadn't seen a solid night sleep in over a month.
But, this solid night sleep gave me my first "good" day. I emphasize 'good' because it doesn't mean that I'm not still grieving, or that I'm not still heartbroken, or that my anxiety and ptsd is better, or that my postpartum depression has miraculously healed itself. I just didn't wake up crying and I was able to have a few hours with my best friend that I actually enjoyed. I was happy to be alive for the first time in three weeks and one day.
Then night time rolled around and Trevor and I were talking about our days. He said it made him really happy to see me enjoying myself and that he was glad I had a good day.
Then the guilt set in.
A good day. A good day?! How the fuck did I just have a good day? My daughter died not even a month ago and here I was feeling happy? What kind of a mother am I? I collapsed into a total mess of shame and guilt. Trevor tried to reassure me that I don't need to cry to miss Makenna. I don't need to have a horrible life just because she is gone.
But I'm her mother! If I'm not going to cry over her, who will?
Let me preface this story with saying that rainbows are one of our signs for Mak. She is our rainbow baby. Even though she's not Earth-side, no other baby we ever have will ever take that title from her. My mom made us a rainbow baby sign and brought it to the hospital. When we moved to Ronald McDonald, we had to get nicu visitor stickers so we started putting them on this sign. Well, for two days now, this sign has been on the floor in the morning. Cooper(our dog) has even tried to play with this sign.
Then, I got a text from a friend. She was driving to work and saw this truck 'Rainbow Rentals' and told me Makenna said good morning to her on her way to work. (First of all, before I even get to the point of this story, be this kind of a friend. Be the friend that remembers a loved one and sends texts when you think of them). A few minutes later she texted me again that she just saw the truck AGAIN. She told me she had never seen this truck before and now on her way to work this morning she has seen it twice in two different places.
THEN, she texts me again a little later that she was in the doctor's office and this was hanging on the wall.
What you can't see in this picture is the rainbow sticker on the cart underneath the angel wings. Weird right? So, at this point I'm thinking Makenna is trying to tell us something. I don't know what it is, but she's yelling at us now.
For the rest of the day I had plans with Taylor. for those of you that don't know, Taylor is like my little sister. Our dads are in the fire department together, I babysat her, and she's my actual twin. But anyway, for the first time since Makenna died, I got outside. Taylor and I went for a nice little beach hike. It wasn't much, but I was getting myself out of the house and found myself enjoying another day. Feeling of guilt ran through me on and off throughout the day but I tried to keep them at bay by letting myself feel them when I needed to but also enjoying being outside. I told Taylor the Rainbow Rentals story and we went about our day.
On the hike I saw the prettiest blue butterfly and of course I immediately thought of Makenna. My friends with work got me this beautiful little stone for a memorial garden we are putting together that says "now she flies with butterflies" so now I see Makenna in butterflies. So now, this was 5 signs in just a matter of hours.
After stopping for some coffee on the way home, we were stopped at a red light and all of a sudden Taylor starts yelling. I look to my left and sure as shit Rainbow Rentals drives past us. WHAT THE HELL?!
I had never heard of this company until this morning when my friend passed it twice and now it's passing me?! What is this!? I made Taylor google it immediately and we couldn't find any significance, so the significance has to be within the name itself.
We were still talking about this and trying to figure out what it could mean when a blue jay flew right in front of me. Blue jays are my symbol for the first baby I lost. I got goosebumps. What the heck was happening? What was Makenna trying to tell me that she obviously could not clearly get across so she had to send her older sibling to try and help out?
I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out what my girl could have been trying to tell me. It wasn't until I was getting ready for bed and Trevor reminded me that I had another good day that it hit me. Could Makenna have been trying to tell me that it's okay to have good days? That seeing me have fun and not become part of the couch makes her happy?
I'd like to think so.
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