Makenna Gwen,
Today is your 1 month angelversary. I want to wish you a happy angelversary. But it just isn't happy down here. Daddy and I miss you so much it hurts. We think about you every second of everyday and talk to you all the time. I hope you can hear us.
I know it feels different up there than it does down here. Everything I have read and everyone I have talked to has said that is the most love you could ever imagine and there's nothing comparable to it here on earth. I'm so happy as your mama that you get to feel that. But, I am still so sad for us that we don't have you.
I'm sure you've got everyone wrapped around your finger up there. I know you. You are feisty and full of sass and I bet you have been rallying the troops from the moment you arrived. You've been bossing everyone around and getting everyone together to make your presence known.
I know this because I see you. I hear you. I feel you. In everything that I do. In every sign you send me. I know you are here. I see every sign everyone has been sending me. Everyone has been hovering around me the past month letting me know that they have you. Grandpa in dimes, Papa in cardinals, Baby G in blue jays, your sister in pink roses, even Shadow in dragonflies. Everyone has been hanging out everywhere I go.
But it's your signs I long for and love the most. Robins, butterflies, giraffes, rainbows, unicorns, a literal sign that said 'I love you mom'.
And everything in groups of 3. It makes me so happy to know that all 3 of my babies are together. I wish more than anything that all of you were here with me. But, if you can't be here at least you are all together playing amongst the stars.
I love you so much Makenna. I don't know how I've gone a month without you already. I don't know how I have survived. I barely have. I want more than anything to be where ever you are. But, I know I can't be.
You've sent so many people signs. You are just as strong and feisty up there as you were down here and I know you're making everyone laugh with your larger than life personality I know you have. I know because you defied all of the odds. You survived the big bleed at 6 weeks. You made it past the dreaded 9 week mark. You made it past 12 weeks and passed all of our tests. You were absolutely perfect on both anatomy scans. And you came into this world as a 22 weeker squeaking and breathing on your own. You made all the nurses laugh and shocked the doctors by pulling all of your wires off you multiple times a day. It seemed like every time we saw you, you had a new piece of tape somewhere. You just wanted to bust out of that place until the second you were in my hands. You instantly calmed while I was holding you. It was the best moment of my life getting to hold you. And I wish for the days I can hold you again.
But for now, I will continue trying to survive. I will keep telling people about you. I will keep saying your name. I will make sure everyone that knows me, knows you too. I will advocate for other angel mamas so they have a safe space to talk about their babies. I will fight for changes in the hospital that did not help me. I will continue to yell about baby loss and miscarriage because we should not have to grieve silently. I will live for you.
So, happy 1 month angelversary Makenna. I will love you forever.
Love, Mommy
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