I know there are people that are afraid to talk to us because they don't want to upset us or "remind us" what happened People don't know what to say, so they often say nothing at all. I've read about this from other loss moms and I've personally experienced it. But, we are already upset. Our daughter died. We don't need to be reminded of that. We live it. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day for the past two weeks now.
We know Makenna is dead. You checking on us or seeing how we are doing isn't a trigger. Literally everything else is.
Waking up: Every morning I wake up and for a split second I feel nothing. But, immediately I am flooded with my own reality. Waking up is the worst part of my day.
Actually getting up: Actually getting out of bed has resulted in a full on meltdown every day because the reality of having to start another day without my daughter is too much.
Showering, getting dressed, brushing my teeth, etc: You have no idea the effort these seemingly simple tasks take until you're forced to them while grieving.
Eating: How can I enjoy eating when my daughter never got that opportunity?
Scrolling Facebook or Instagram: it's something that keeps my mind busy but also punches me in the face when those wonderful algorithms knew I was pregnant so everything is pregnancy and family related. I have spent hours sobbing while unfollowing accounts, muting my favorite baby brands, hiding ads, and drowning myself in dog and cat reels.
Watching tv: I had to put on a "safe show" that I have watched all the way through 3 or 4 times before. I can't watch anything new because I don't know if they are going to talk about pregnancy or loss or have newborn babies or just children in general.
My dogs: Yep. You read that correctly. My dogs. Literally my whole world. I will be okay with them one minute and then the next the thought of having to take care of them is unbearable. I talked to them about Makenna so much. I spent 10 weeks at home with them while I was pregnant and I was so excited to take a year off of work and spend that time with Mak and the boys. Now I'm constantly worrying they are going to die too.
Trevor: Speaking of being afraid someone else is going to die. I panic if he is in the bathroom too long. In the morning he has been getting up before me and while I used to be able to sleep through him getting out of bed, now scares me awake.
Leaving the house: This is a fun one. I can't explain the amount of energy it takes for me to even pick up a Starbucks pre-order. I have not left the house by myself yet. It's been two weeks and I just can't do it. I've been in the car alone for 10 minutes each time and cried so hard I shouldn't have been driving. So, I don't.
Being home: Being home is just as much of a trigger as leaving is. At any given second I can come across something that gives me a split second of thinking "when Mak is born..." and then I realize.
My own body: I have always had body image issues. But not like this. I can't even look at my body in the mirror. I flinch when Trevor touches my stomach even if it's on accident. I have been wearing the same 4 or 5 things over and over again the past two weeks because they are comfortable and I don't have to think about what I'm putting on. I pumped for 3 days, so putting on and taking off a bra and everything in between is emotionally excruciating. I worked so hard for 3 days and Makenna never got to benefit from it. The hours I spent in the middle of the night trying to get used to my pump were pointless and the small amount of milk I was so proud of went into a garbage somewhere. I also get phantom kicks. As if life wasn't cruel and unfair enough, my body is now mimicking having a baby in my womb and I want to die every single time. It's so unfair.
The thought of work and school: I should be in the last couple of weeks of the school year and my last couple of weeks of work for over a year. The last time I was in class a few weeks ago, I was talking to a few people about how different my zooms are going to look next semester because I will have a newborn. I was supposed to be student teaching next semester and I had to change it to the following fall. I can't bear the thought of changing it back because I don't see how I will ever be ready to face anyone ever again.
Seeing people: I don't know why this is so hard for me. This is something I struggled with after my second miscarriage and really played a part in my panic attacks. I don't want people to ask me how I am because I can fake it until that question is asked. But, I also don't want to fake it. I want to feel all of my feelings and that's why it feels better to just stay home and not see anyone.
Friends and family: I know all anyone wants to do is help, and the rational part of me appreciates the love so much. But the part that is grieving can't handle it. Nothing can bring my baby back so nothing will help. Again, I don't want to see anyone. I'm just not ready.
My clothes: My pre-pregnancy clothes should not fit me. But, they do.
My alarm: For 3 days my alarm meant it was time to pump. Now every time I hear my alarm that's the first thing I think of.
Going to sleep: I survived the day. The thought of having to go to sleep and wake up again tomorrow and do it all over again is horrifying.
Going to the bathroom: This is something I have been struggling with since September of 2020. I inspect the toilet paper for blood every single time I have gone to the bathroom for almost two years. And jokes on me because I'm still bleeding over 2 weeks postpartum.
Crafting: Something that used to bring me so much joy, is now so hard for me to do. All I think about are all of the ideas I had for Makenna and her nursery, my baby shower, holidays, gifts for Trevor and other family. All of the things I wanted to do and never got to.
My health: I have absolutely no idea what is in store for me when it comes to my ability to carry a baby. The thought of doing this again is panic inducing, but it's just as scary to think about not being able to.
Thinking about the future: How can I think about a future that doesn't involve my daughter?
Thinking about the past: Literally anything in the past is now defined as "before everything happened" or "after everything happened". My whole timeline of my own life is forever fucked up.
Literally everything.
I could add things to this list all day and it still wouldn't list all of the things that upset/trigger me throughout the day. Sometimes it's the most ridiculous things. I have actually said out loud "the last time I ate yogurt I was pregnant", "the last time I stood in this place in the yard, I was pregnant", "the last time I wore this underwear, my baby was still safe in my belly". Every thing I do I am doing it for the first time without my daughter.
When a loss mom tells you that she thinks about her child every second of the day, believe her.
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