Let me tell you something about mom guilt. It still exists even when your baby died.
Mom guilt is something all moms talk about; am I giving them enough attention? Did I yell too much today? Should I have just bought them the toy they asked for? Should I have let them have ice cream? I should have let them go to their friend's. I should have, I could have, why didn't I?
But, what most people don't realize, mom guilt still exists when your baby dies. It's not something that is talked about much unless you're in the angel baby community, but I promise everyone should know about it. We are struggling. It is so fucking hard to be a parent to an angel. I swear I feel more mom guilt with Makenna being an angel than I would have if I was parenting her on Earth.
Let's start with the basics: the obvious I could have done more guilt. I won't get too heavily into this because rationally I know I did the best I could with the information I had at the time. But, it doesn't take the pain and guilt away of I should have fought harder. I should have advocated for myself and for Makenna more heavily. I knew something was wrong and I feel guilty that I didn't refuse to leave the hospital or refuse to leave the doctor's office. I feel guilty that I didn't demand a sonogram and a pelvic exam. I apologize to Makenna for this all the time. Trevor has to talk me down from complete meltdowns over this all the time. Almost daily.
But let's look at a different side of guilt. I have two other angel babies. I didn't hold these babies. I never felt these babies move. I wasn't pregnant long enough to know the sex of my babies (We know from genetic testing that baby #2 was a girl). I didn't name these babies, although they have nicknames that I use to refer to them when I talk to them: G and B. I only held these babies for 9 weeks each. But, I held them for their whole lives. I feel incredibly guilty that I don't give them the same attention that I give Makenna.
My miscarriages destroyed me. But, Makenna completely changed who I am as a person for the rest of my life. Makenna was born. I held her. I named her. I felt her kicking. I knew some of her likes and dislikes. She loved coffee. I didn't have it often without it being decaf but every time I did, little Bean lost her shit. She hated nachos. I threw up one time when I was pregnant and it was after eating nachos. I sat with her in the NICU. I birthed her. I heard her squeak when she was born.
But, I still feel guilty for my other two babies. I tell Makenna all the time to make sure they are okay. They send me signs individually and all three of them together. But, I still feel guilty. They know I have a connection to Mak that I don't have with them and as their mom that makes me feel horrible. It makes me long for the day that I can hold all three of them and make sure they know how much I love them.
Parenting an angel is so complicated. This is something you only think about if you are in the thick of it. And if you are, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Do I talk to her enough? Do I tell her I love her enough? I feel guilty on my bad days; I feel guilty on my good days. On my bad days I know she wouldn't want to see me so upset. On my better days I feel guilty-how could I have a good day when my baby is dead?
Do I touch her urn enough? I have to make sure I keep fresh flowers on her shelf and I feel guilty if I don't. I feel guilty if her shelf gets dusty and find myself obsessively wiping dog hair off of her things. I feel guilty on days that I don't add anything to her shelf. I feel guilty on days that I do add things to her shelf because my other two babies don't have shelves.
I feel guilty for creating Rainbows for Makenna because I didn't try to start some big movement for my other babies. I feel guilty for creating Rainbows for Makenna because I feel like all of my time should be spent grieving Makenna and I shouldn't be doing anything. But, then that brings me back to that never ending circle of bad days-good days guilt.
As we get closer and closer to going to Saint Thomas for my brother in law's wedding, I feel guilty. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with her ashes. I have heard of other people getting "babysitters" for their child's ashes and prior to booking this trip I thought that is silly they are ashes. But, now that we are getting closer and closer to leaving I don't know what I am supposed to do. I feel guilty for leaving her ashes locked up in my bedroom for a week, but I'm too worried about something happening to bring them with us. I have a plan, but I feel guilty leaving her behind.
I feel guilty about ever "getting better". I don't want her or anyone else to ever feel like I am leaving her behind. I will never be over losing my daughter. I will never be leaving her behind. But, I feel guilty if I don't cry for a whole day because I don't want her to think I am moving on without her. I have only made it one day without crying because the other days I have made it, I cry by the end of the day because of the guilt.
There is so, so much guilt involved when your baby dies. There's things you don't think will affect you that smack you in the face like a ton of bricks. There's things that take your breath away, and there's things that make you feel like you've been run over by a truck 3 times. Sometimes you know what's going to bother you and you try your best to avoid them because you know it's going to be messy. Other times you're in Kohl's and you just start uncontrollably sobbing so hard you have to leave.
And then that makes you feel guilty.
The wife guilt, the friend guilt, the daughter and granddaughter guilt, the niece guilt, the cousin guilt, the coworker guilt, the basic human being guilt; they all go hand in hand with the mom guilt. I am so focused on everything I am going through and unable to do so many things, that I am either completely unavailable to certain people and certain situations or I am only 10% present.
I feel guilty because I have a hard time leaving the house at all and when I do finally leave I am constantly thinking about how soon I can get home. So I feel guilty for everyone that has to handle this.
I feel so, so incredibly guilty for not spending more time with Makenna. If I had known she only had 4 days, I never would have left the NICU. I wouldn't have slept. I wouldn't have eaten. I wouldn't have showered. I wouldn't have looked at my phone other than to be taking pictures and videos of her knowing that's all I would have left.
I feel guilty for leaving. I feel guilty that I didn't spend hours holding her after she died. No one really knows the full story of when she died or immediately after and it's not something I am ready to share-because I have so much guilt about all of it.
Last weekend we took Makenna's ashes to be made into a necklace for me. We took her and dropped her off and ran some errands. As soon as I had her ashes back home I had a huge wave of guilt rush over me. I felt guilty for not telling her I was going to be moving her ashes. I felt guilty for not telling her that someone would be touching them and using them for necklaces. How could I not tell her that someone was going to be invading her little space? If you're not an angel mom, this probably sounds completely insane to you. But, if you are, you probably totally understand this feeling.
I feel guilty for not telling her there will be a thunderstorm and that it will probably sound really loud up there. I feel guilty for not telling her on the 4th of July that the sky would be bright and really loud. I feel guilty if I don't say good morning to her urn, to her windchimes, and to the robins. I feel guilty if I don't cuddle her blanket every time I walk into my bedroom. I feel guilty if I go into my room and don't talk to her urn and usually have to go back in and apologize.
Mom guilt when you are parenting an angel is so fucking complex and something you could only truly understand if this is something you have to do.
So please, when you see a mama grieving please understand that this is so much more than you know. There are so many layers to losing your baby. There are so many twists and turns and feelings and emotions that you didn't even know were possible.
We are put into this horrible place and forced to navigate it with no road map. GPS systems haven't been invented yet. None of the roads are paved. There are no road signs. Sometimes we are not foot. Sometimes we are wading in water that is knee deep. Sometimes we are climbing mountains or exploring caves. We have no idea where we are going because there is no final destination. We are just dropped in the land of baby loss and expected to survive.
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