Now that I am on the other side of my pregnancy with Makenna's little brother, I feel like I can finally collect my thoughts on how I felt during each stage of the pregnancy.
This was not my first time being pregnant after loss. This was actually my 3rd time being pregnant after a loss. I have had 4 pregnancies and only in the first one did I have 4 weeks of ignorance and bliss. Every other time I've been pregnant, anxiety has been a dominant factor. I have gone through 3 out 4 pregnancies wondering when or if my baby would die. And, in 3 out of 4 of my pregnancies, my baby did die.
But not this time.
Let's start at the beginning.
Trying to conceive was complicated. Admittingly, we had never had to try before. But with Parker, I had to use ovulation strips and track my cycle in order to get pregnant. So when we found out we were pregnant, it was a relief, but also that all too familiar anxiety immediately hit me in the face like a brick wall.
The first few weeks of pregnancy are always the hardest for me. Both of my first 2 losses were at 9 weeks so I can't even think about breathing until we make it past that point. Even then, it isn't a sigh of relief.
I was really worried about finding out the sex of our baby. We don't know what Baby G was but Lil B and obviously Makenna were both girls. I was really afraid of the gender disappointment that was going to accompany a boy. I know this is something that a lot of people can't understand. So let me explain.
After my miscarriages, "as long as they are healthy" is what I lived by before we knew if Makenna was a boy or a girl. I didn't care. As long as she lived. But, I was really happy when I found out she was a girl. I have always wanted a daughter. So when Makenna died, and then knowing the baby before her was also a girl, I had gut feeling Parker would be a boy. It felt a lot like I would never have the opportunity to actually raise a daughter (it still largely feels like this). But, when your baby dies, you always lose everything they could become. My daughter didn't just die. I also lost the opportunity to see my daughter get married or become a mother of her own; to play with dolls or play sports; I would never see the excitement of a little girl's first sleepover. All of the experiences I so desperately wanted with a daughter, died with her.
Like I said, I knew in my heart Parker would be a boy. I had been right with B and Makenna. I was preparing myself my entire first trimester for the gender disappointment I knew I would feel when I saw xy at our chromosomal testing.
Once we had the confirmation, I spent a good week trying to come to terms with the news. I cried so much. I was really open about knowing I'd have gender disappointment so once we shared the news of our son, I had a lot of support. Everyone asked me how I was feeling before they blindly congratulated me. I really, really appreciated this.
But, it also made a light bulb go off in my head. I had SO many regrets from my pregnancy with Makenna. I was constantly so worried about her dying, I didn't appreciate her living. I didn't enjoy the time we had together because all I could focus on was trying to hurry up and get through the pregnancy.
I did not want this to be my story with Parker.
I sat down and did some really deep inner work after finding out I was pregnant with a boy. I came to the realization that a big part of me was trying to will my body to be pregnant with Makenna. Finding out I was having a boy, solidified that this was a new baby. No matter if they were a boy or a girl, it still wouldn't be my Mak. I still would be grieving her. She would still be dead. This would still be a new baby.
I thought about all of the regrets I had from being pregnant with Makenna. I was not present. I thought about stretch marks. I thought about having to take out my belly button ring and when I should do that (so stupid). I was really insecure about my body. I was afraid to move because I didn't want to bleed again.
I did not want regrets this time.
From about 15 weeks on, I made it a point to connect to Parker. If he died, I wanted to know whole heartedly that I spent every moment of his life loving him and appreciating the time I had with him. I took pictures of my belly. I took videos of him moving. I talked to him. I rubbed my belly even when it felt silly. When I read books to Makenna, I also read them to Parker. If the only time I had with this baby was in my belly, I needed memories with him. I needed to know that he only experienced love.
So, for the next 21 weeks, that's how I lived my life.
Loving my boy.
And hoping he would get to come home.
From weeks 20-23 I had extra appointments. I was already going every other week for extra monitoring because of my history. But, I knew that the lead up to the gestation Makenna was born was going to be really hard. I needed to see during week 22 that I was not in labor. And I needed to see in week 23 that my son was still alive.
Once we got to this point, I became genuinely excited. Faith purchases turned into buying furniture, which turned into decorating a nursery for the first time. I looked forward to doctor's appointments for the first time. I was excited to see our little dude. It was another memory I got to have with him each time.
And every time was good news.
This was something I was not used to.
Entering the 3rd trimester was difficult. Any time there was any kind of a major milestone, my grief would make a large appearance. It was abundantly clear and right in my face all of the things that Makenna did not get. But, I also did not want my grief to overshadow my true pure joy.
Being pregnant with Parker brought true joy back into my life. Something I don't think I really experienced since before my first miscarriage. But, definitely something I hadn't experienced since Makenna died.
Towards the end of my pregnancy, Trevor's mom asked if she could gift us a maternity shoot. Everything in me wanted to say no. How could I take pictures and be so outwardly happy about a baby that I didn't know if I was going to be able to keep? But, again, I wanted to celebrate this boy with no regrets. So, I said yes.
And it was liberating. It felt like redemption in a way. That not only were we celebrating Parker, but I was also celebrating myself. My body was doing this. My body was keeping this baby safe and alive. We were doing it.
I felt Makenna pretty strongly throughout my whole pregnancy. I knew very early on how excited she was to be a big sister. I started seeing Parker's due date, 10/20, every where. I saw Parker's name with rainbows. His nursery was covered in rainbows. She sent rainbows in packages for Parker. She would send me rainbows and a sea animal (the theme of Parker's room is ocean). It helped me immensely to see her happy about him.
If you are pregnant after loss and you are afraid that your baby that died is going to be upset with you, please reach out to me. I strongly believe our babies that died pick their siblings. (NOT send them, just pick them). I would be happy to talk about this with you. Well, I'd be happy to talk about ALL of this with you.
Being pregnant after loss is the hardest thing I have done outside of surviving Makenna's death. Giving myself grace and leaning into my relationship with both of my kids and Trevor is how I made it through 36 weeks and 6 days.
Now that Parker is here and alive, I am still so glad I made it a point to try to enjoy my pregnancy with him. After I had him, I really missed being pregnant. I was so sad that I didn't have him in my belly anymore and I grieved really intensely for that part of our relationship. This wasn't something I was expecting. So, I am thankful I cherished every moment with him. The stress and anxiety was nothing compared to the feeling of him being alive and I would do it over and over.
Through everything, my biggest piece of advice for navigating pregnancy after loss is:
Expect anything and allow yourself to feel it all. You have no idea where your grief and joy are going to take you. Take your pregnancy how it comes. If that is day by day or minute by minute, allow it. You have been through the most traumatic thing you possibly can go through and you have decided to dive right back into the source of your trauma head first because of a sliver of hope. If one day you are on cloud 9 and the next day you are eating your 3rd Ben and Jerry's, it's okay.
Check out @journeyforjasmine on instagram to read all about this rainbow skirt and project finding your rainbow!
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