Relationships after loss

I so desperately wish this wasn't something I had to write about.

I wish I could tell whoever was reading this that all of my friends and family have been super supportive and everyone checks on us, has sent us meals, asks what we need, and says the most perfect things at the perfect time. But, that isn't the case. Sadly, this isn't the case for most people who experience pregnancy and infant loss.

I had a lot of people disappear when I had each of my miscarriages and it was something I just kind of brushed under the rug. People didn't know how I felt and I accepted that as my reality. I was pretty much alone in my feelings and the people that were there for me for the most part had no idea what I was going through.

There were a handful of people I became quietly upset with because they weren't there for me in the ways I would have expected or wanted them to be. But, these were feelings that I pushed away completely after the first miscarriage. After the second I allowed myself to be a little bit more upset over the reality of people not being there for me. But again, I kind of just let it go.

Then Mak died.

Right after her death the influx of texts were intense. There were so many people reaching out. The "I'm sorrys", I'm here if you need anythings" and "don't hesitate to asks" were coming in like rapid fire the first few days.

People will tell you that the calls and texts of people checking in on you stop rather abruptly. It seems as though after 2-3 weeks people expect you to be "over it" or they expect that things have "settled down" and that you're ready to resume to normal life again. No more dinners come. People stop asking if there is something they can do for you. You stop getting random "I love you" texts. The flowers stop coming. All of a sudden you're left completely alone with your grief and it feels as though everything that happened in the past few weeks with people checking on you were obligatory.

I very quickly realized that not everyone in my life felt obligated to even recognize that my daughter had died.

We have a relatively small circle. In this circle, there are friends that never texted me after Makenna died. These friends never acknowledged her death. It has been 9 weeks and these friends have never said her name. They have never acknowledged the pain we endure. They haven't even asked the stupid question of how have we been. Zero acknowledgement. The first few weeks this hurt really, really bad. I cried to Trevor about it. I talked to other friends about it. Other friends even reached out to them and they still ignored them and pretended this didn't happen.

I'm really not sure why these friends don't hold space for us while we are grieving Makenna. But, it doesn't hurt the way it did in the early weeks. I have once again let it go. But, this time is different. I am not letting go and forgiving. I am not letting go and allowing our relationship to continue on as nothing ever happened. I do not hold space in my heart for these people anymore. They are not my friends. Not after pretending my daughter did not exist. I gave birth. I held her. I watched her fight for her life for 4 days. I held her while she died. I cry over her every single day. No one gets to pretend she does not exist and still expect a place in my life.

Unfortunately, this is not the only case of forgotten friendships. I have another relationship that I don't know where it stands. This person did reach out once or twice, but I haven't heard from them in probably 7 weeks. I don't expect to hear from everyone every single day. I understand that even though my life is forever changed and my heart is broken, not everyone lost their whole world when Makenna died. I understand that. But, I am still surprised at how easily people forget she existed. This one person hurts the most. I considered this person one of my very best friends. I even reached out to them and got no response. I don't know what I will do or say when/if this person chooses to reach out to me.

As if this wasn't enough, family has also chosen to ignore my dead daughter. There are very close family members who have said absolutely nothing. Not a text. Not a call. Not a text to my parents. Nothing. It's astonishing and not surprising at all at the same time. But either way, it still hurts.

Relationships after loss aren't all bad. There are people that will be there for you that you never expected to be. There are people that will come into your life and will care so hard and love so deeply that you don't know how you ever did life without them. They will honor your baby and say their name and send you pictures when things remind you of them.

My best friend cooked us dinner multiple times. She brought me to Starbucks and Michaels. She allowed me to cry and feel however I was feeling. If my anxiety was getting the best of me she made exit plans with me. I could text her at any moment and she would be there. She kept asking if we had toilet paper-so like why does no one think of this because it's actually genius and we did in fact almost run out.

My little unbiological sister has created a small business in memory of Makenna selling bracelets and all of her proceeds come to Rainbows for Makenna. She works two jobs and took on this extra work to help fund what we are doing out of the goodness of her heart.

I have a new best friend. Seriously. My best friend before is still my best friend, but I have an additional one now. Her and I barely knew each other. She was the girlfriend of one of our friends and we had only met once or twice. When Makenna died, she drew my tattoo, she gave me craft supplies and told me to make something as beautiful as Makenna, she sends me pictures of rainbows even if it's just the reflection from her window on the ceiling. She has held space for Trevor and I and walked with us in our grief and that is something we will forever cherish.

I can't even explain all of the ways that our parents and other friends have been there for us.

But even though they have been there, every relationship is still slightly different. There is still this looming emptiness that I feel in every single relationship no matter how good it is and the people who choose to ignore your pain and pretend your baby did not exist really hurt your healing. It's so fucking hard to focus on healing when you are adding mourning close relationships into the mix. It's bad enough to grieve the loss of your baby, but now you are grieving sometimes lifelong relationships on top of it.

The reality of pregnancy and infant loss is so complex. There is no right and wrong way to do any of it. Whatever makes you feel good even if it's just for a second is what you have to go with. If that means letting go of people that don't walk with you in your grief, it doesn't matter who they are.

I cut off my own grandmother. I feel like that's a story for another time. But, in short, she did not respect my wishes to not speak to anyone right after Makenna was born or right after she died. Then, a few days after she died, my grandma called me and left a nasty voicemail pissed off about a package she had sent to my house. I blocked her number. I know this sounds harsh. But, I needed to respect myself and my healing and do what my heart needed. And my heart needed to protect itself and it still does.

I haven't decided what I'm going to do when/if these people ever reach out to me. I have decided if I ever speak to any of them again, it won't be because I have reached out. I would feel the same way if my child was living. Ignore my baby, you're done. Makenna being dead does not take away from the fact that she is my daughter and she and I deserve respect. I need to protect her and I need to protect myself.

If my baby being dead makes you too uncomfortable to talk about, sit back for a second and think about how I feel. My life will feel like this for another 50+ years. Think about how incredibly selfish it is for you to not be able to handle my grief for 5 minutes so you choose to ignore it.

If you're reading this and you never reached out, or you texted me once or twice and have nothing since the first week, I remember. Don't think for one second that your absence has not gone unnoticed. I will not be reaching out to you to repair it.